Balance. Farmer’s Market. July 30th. 2016

“Life is a balance of holding on and letting go.”

This weeks art journal prompts we were to design a page showing ” holding on ” or explore the opposite concept of ” letting go “. This weeks post will be firstly on balance. You know finding the balance between holding on and letting go. Here we go.

I have a confession to make …

I suck at letting go. I hold on to almost everything. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. Im learning.

A few years ago when I dove head first into this very concept of letting go and holding on and trying to find that perfect middle ground when a bit of perfected information came across my radar screen. Heavily in a war between kicking every stored thing out of my tiny condo attic it felt as if my submarine was going to sink to the bottom of the sea, never to return to the surface. Than the blip blinked across the screen. It looked as if it was only going to be a split second figment of my imagination until it blipped again. Hope.

The information that strolled in over my subs radio was this: the concepts of locking on and locking out. A very strong woman with football helmet hair stood in front of me and spoke straight into my subconscious … could this be the cure to my every issue? The study began. This woman became a mentor and she helped me understand the concept on many levels. Enlightenment!

What bits of what I thought of percieved truths was I locking on to or in this case holding on to and what was the cause and effect of holding on to those bits of truth that were making me lock out new bits of information that could actually be helping me grow by letting go of what I thought was truth? Hummmm … tough.

It looks a little like this: our brains take in information and file it in the crevices only to recall that information when we need it. Simply put. This information can be percieved truth, actual truth, or lies that we have believed as truth that help create and form our character, mental functions, emotional states and eventually our physical health.

When we lock on to those bits of truths we firmly guard those as absolutes whether they are good for us or not. When we lock on solid to those we guard them with our lives, we will sneak around in our subs waiting for a surprise attack and launch all kinds of weapons of mass destruction to defend those truths, whether or not they are good for us.

So here we are locked on to something we just know could save our lives. We just know it in our hearts our complete beings are submerged in this truth, it’s an absolute. Nothing and no one is going to invade and change our minds, whether it’s good for us or not. We will get so wrapped up in protection our gem of truth that we block out or in this case lock out any new bits of information that could change our minds in the slightest bit. We push away any thing that will push us off course. We will launch full on attacks, missiles exploding, lives could be hurt or lost because we will not accept any other information. We can eventually sink our own battle ships.

Now this works in two ways. Above I have just described a scene of attack that can obliterate cities because we have taken in a bit of truth that would hurt other but on the flip side we also take in just as much information that can move and bless people for the good.

Our problem is when we lock on. When we don’t allow new truths in that can change us for the better or change us for the worse. I’m always hopeful so I like to think of unlocking so that I or anyone can change for the better. When we unlock we are actually challenging ourselves to start the letting go process. We can hold on or lock on all we want to good but the stuff that tears us down, brings evil or hurt to others and ourselves we need to Lear to grab that perverbial key and learn to unlock and let go. Now I’m not saying this is easy. I’m not saying this is going to be a cake walk but I am saying this is what has happened on a deeper level over the last 5 years to my brain.

Music moves me. Classical music plays in the house when creativity rules my motions, George Winston’s Pandora station plays when consentration is what I need to think and not sing the lyrics. While driving long distances country music will blast through the speakers so I can sing at the top of my lungs or when I’m alone in the car, motivation. Death cab for cutie never plays. You get my drift. There’s music for everything and every moment. There is one genere of music that plays in the morning on the way to my favorite coffee shop and that is the inspirational local Christian radio station. I play that simply as a thank you to the man upstairs for allowing me another day to piss off the devil! ( One of my favorite activities after gardening! ) Well, anywhooooo, there is a song on there that they have been busy playing, you know, radio stations they only play the top ( what seems like 10 ) songs over and over and over and over again. Once again you get my drift. The concept is great when you want to memorize a song but come on let’s shake things up to just add spice to the list and our lives.

I don’t know the names of the bands or who sings what song on any radio station what I mainly focus on are the words and the tunes. I would lose at any game of guess the band/lyrics. BUT there is a song that comes on that goes a little like this:

Dear younger me
Where do I start
If I could tell you everything that I have learned so far
Than you could be one step ahead
Of all those painful memories still running through my head
I wonder how much different things would be

Dear younger me

Now, let’s go back to what I just spent all that time explaining. If we could all go back and teach our younger selves the concepts we now know and understand as adults such as learning to let go and finding balance in holding on what would our older selves look like once our younger selves learned different truths?

Dear younger me
I can’t decide
Do I give some speech about how to get the most out of your life
Or do I go deep
And try to change the choices that you’ll make cuz they’re the choices that made me
Even though I love this crazy life
Sometimes I wish it was a smoother ride, dear younger me

Dear younger me

So many choices I would go back and change. So many decisions I hang on to because they were the best decisions of my life and helped design the human character that I am. Learning to lock on to such virtues as learning to love again, giving in the true definition of hope when others are in need of it, and simply taking the time to be honest to others and mostly myself.  Now these are a few of my favorite things to lock on, hold onto. This crazy life I have is and always will be the best life I have been dealt. Letting go and unlocking my self-depricating thoughts has been the most freeing parts of growing wise.

If I knew then what I know now
Condemnation would’ve had no power
My joy my pain would’ve never been my worth
If I knew then what I know now
Would not have been hard to figure out
What I would have changed if I had heard

Dear younger me

Never would have said “YES” the second time if I knew then what I know know, I would have run to Mexico with my two best girl friends who were begging and pleading with me to go. I locked on to an ideal that almost cost me my life because I couldn’t unlock enough to listen. I gladly accept saying “YES” the third time and have been learning such great humility since. Oh dear younger me you are forgiven.

Dear younger me
It’s not your fault
You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross
Dear younger me

Every mountain every valley
Thru each heartache you will see
Every moment brings you closer to who you were meant to be

Dear younger me

Even though that mentor of mine moved to the other side of the country her words of locking on and locking out still ring true in my skull. Her voice resonates like sonar bouncing from one side to the other almost as if my directions are guided by the choices I make daily. I do know this, my direction for absolute truth and complete freedom are guided by my decisions but thankfully it’s not her voice that brings those truths just her concepts.

Most of all, our lives are marked on maps and we can see from the past our journeys have been full of wrong turns and bad choices, than again we can see all the good choices and the best decisions. We move higher and steadier by the choices that are good and we direct our ships in the directions we need to go. Our ultimate North Star is what we choose it to be, our ability to find balance between letting go and holding on guildes our ships wheel. Yeah, the process isn’t easy but it’s balance that we seek. We don’t want to live lives of regret, bitterness and anger we all want to look back and smile in the joy, the life well lived,  and we want to leave behind hope for others.

What is just one of the biggest things you are locked on to? If you were to turn the key and unlock that door could you find a freedom you have been searching for? Could be a mind blower if you let it go! Just sayin’!

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