Reflectin’ … Ponderin’ …

There comes a time in life where we reach milestones, could be birthdays, anniversaries, or dates that we have carved in our brains of days we lost loved ones to forces uncontrollable. Gawd knows we all have them. Don’t try to pretend you don’t because as you read my list several moments will flash before your minds eye reminding you of such moments. Those moments could have been deaths, could have been some one leaving for good, could be they moved away, or could have been the damn realization that you just lost what you saw in someone because reality just slapped you up the back of the head.

Course each one of these milestones are remembered for what they have brought to you. There is first the mental part of remembering the moment, than you have the part of feeling that moment all over again whether it was a great shining moment in your grand history book or it was one of the darkest hours you have ever waded through. Still you will find an emotion attached to that memory.

Times of reflection can bring out the best in us or the worst in us. We can step ourselves up and challenge the emotional chaos of a horrible time and turn it around so that the memory becomes bearable or we can choose to cast more grief on the memory. It’s really always up to us how we move through our picture albums of memories stored in the most orderly fashion in our brains. Most of the time we will feel the emotion rise up we will burst into tears or roll on the floor in laughter but the emotion is right there eating at us or waiting to jump into action. We can jump for joy as little leprechauns clickin’ our heels or we can throw the blankets deep over our heads and wallow in the ache of a broken heart. Yes, we have choices.

One of my past high school sailors finally past away. ( Said, of course, in the most loving way ). She had a mission. She had a point to prove. This girl was riddled with darkness. It simply oozed out of her like hair mousse from a pressurized can. She was beautiful, intelligent beyond my own understanding and personable but she also suffered from extreme mental illness.

She kept a blog about her life.

She kept a blog about her last week on earth.

She kept trying to break out of the darkness but to no avail.

When looking back at the moments of giggles we shared on the docks and her stance on many issues she challenged my own thinking, she challenged my own passions, she challenged everyone to move from where they were into brightly lit areas. Places she had a hard time finding for herself. She was an encourager. As I search through her blog posts there were moments of hope. She was good at giving out hope to others simply because she understood at a deeper level than others what hope truly looked like. Hope – it saved her bacon on more than one occasion but she was living in so much darkness, the depths of that darkness was not comprehensible until her final week and final goodbyes.

The people closest to her got it.

I believe that the hope she was clinging to was the hope that we all cling to. Something better. Something more. Not all of us are overtaken with a dark shadow that we cannot shake off alone. You could say others are blessed while others are cursed or you could say some are healthy and some are sick, or you could say some are troubled and some are cheerful. Either way the shadow exists. The shadow is real. Whether we want to believe it or not.

Pondering my own life there has been many moments of darkness, many lost memories because of emotional blackouts, I get it. It’s hard to see others suffer such pain when there’s no one to throw them a life ring. She knew how to put on her life jacket, watched her physically many times but when it came to putting it on emotionally, mentally or on a deeper level of spiritually there was no true guide.

Today, I remember this beautiful soul for who she was to the people around her, who she was to me. A true wonder. A truly beautiful soul that was challenged to her core. A beautiful woman with a dark evil blanket that shrouded her existence. I will miss her and everything she stood for. I will also stand up against the mental darkness that she found herself trapped in, for her memory and for the many others lost to this very sick darkness.

I choose: to reflect on the good and to fight the bad, to be strong in my hope so that my strength is used for the ones who need it, to speak up when no one else will, to honor hope, peace, joy, and love in the times we find ourselves in.

So for you little lady, I stand up against your darkness even if I’m the only one. Your memory will be forever burned in my heart. Thank you for the challenges. Thank you for the step up and the steps out of my comfort zone. Thank you for being apart of who I am even if it was for this short time. Every time I see the leaves in the fall lying beautifully along the sidewalks or driveways I will remember you.

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