This post is my opinion and my opinion alone. If you disagree then please comment on what you have learned.
“Expectation is the root of all heartache.” – William Shakespeare
Humans are born imperfect but full of potential. Relationships are born imperfect but full of potential simply because humans are imperfect but full of potential. So why do we look at our “other” and expect perfection out of them or the relationship? That’s just setting us up for unrealistic expectations. When those unreal expectations are set no one has a fair chance at surviving those expectations. If we could remember that everyone is going to mess up, make mistakes, screw up, find someone new, break trust then it’s easier to let go of unreal expectations, or, so, it could be.
So how does trust fit into all this?
We trust the other for what we know is true, a screwed version of their truth. Based off all our insecurities, fears, environment, past experiences and such, we as humans come up with our own realities otherwise know as our own truths. We set up boundaries not realizing our trust is wrapped up in those unreal expectations or untruths and we then continue to align ourselves with people who will match those realities whether they are good for us or not, bringing us back to our own imperfections and unrealistic expectations.
Head spinning yet?
“The less we try to control the chaos, the more at peace we are with the madness.” – Madalyn Black
Forgiveness plays a huge role when it comes to trust.
Yes, forgiveness and trust can be separated but there will be no healing ( of yourself or others ) because the wounds get bigger, the hurts run deeper and the cycle continues until we reach a point that love has to intervene and stop it. This in turn makes trust harder and expectations more difficult to cope with even for ourselves leaving us, generally, empty handed, hurt, frustrated, sad, and lonely. Total opposite of what love has to offer.
Fullness, healing, calm, joy, acceptance and peace are just a few of those qualities we search for but never find because we get so wrapped up in the heavy walls that we build and try hard to maintain because we are not looking through the eyes of imperfection but perfection. Eyes that really trick us.
“I know what I bring to the table … so trust me when I say I’m not afraid to eat alone”
Worth fits in as an overlapping missing link in so many lives. When we look at guilt we see = I did something bad to someone else. Shame is = I am bad to myself. Worth is = I am not love able or I don’t measure up to my Maker. These are all greater degrees of separation from others around us. Ways to keep us out of relationships. When this comes into play and an understanding like this takes place then looking at others and where they stand on such a scale can help us lower some of those unrealistic expectations and barriers so that love can move in and help heal. One would hope.
“When someone does something wrong, don’t forget all the things they did right.”
Forgiveness, moving past the hurt to enjoy what is left to enjoy. Seeing the hurts of our others and watching them struggle in their own pain but also leaning in to understand that yes, they may have hurt us but they are suffering to if they understand and see the hurt they caused us. It’s not a hanging on of wrongs or a dismissal of the hurt but rather an exceptance that we are not perfect and that we will struggle in our humanness when we make bad choices, say things that are flippant, or damaging emotions when clearly it wasn’t an act of love. It’s watching and waiting for the healing. It’s saying I am sorry you feel this way and helping the other come to terms. Forgiveness is saying sorry to self for accepting the hurt when you honestly know it either wasn’t meant for you or was something done completely out of fear, insecurity or habit. Forgiveness is also saying I am sorry to the whole greater picture and moving past so love can be found.
There is always going to be a slew of cuss words, anger, or bitterness that will rage because of hurt but to flip this on its face and look at it from a whole other angle is where that love shines best. Mercy looks to the already hurt parts of life and sees passed to the good things that has out shined the moments of shame, guilt, anger, and pain. Grace looks out for the moments that linger as snap shots in the mind as special days, times full of joy and things that have brought a smile to our face from what others have done.
Love is those moments.
Love is those actions.
Love can always be seen or found when looked upon or acted upon instead of producing acts of bitterness. Love holds no grudges. Love looks past and moves on.
“Forgiveness is not a feeling but a commitment; it is a choice to show mercy, not to hold the offense up against the offender. Forgiveness is an expression of love.” – Gary Chapman
Looking at forgiveness as a commitment stretches our minds beyond what we have been taught about healing emotional wounds. Taking out the emotion and stretching our hearts to accept an impossible challenge such as making a commitment to show up everyday and forgive those who hurt us just screams agains our nature. Are you kidding me? I have a hard enough time committing to walking the dog every day let alone commit to such an act of treason against everything I have known and love. Get real!? ( insert the instant reaction to every mind everywhere when that statement is read )
Forgiveness is an act of commitment. When we engage in such an act we become bound to the endless opportunities we will eventually see as we say yes to the commitment. If we bind ourselves to say yes! Yes! I will show up every moment of everyday no matter how hard it is to forgive, no matter how much it hurts, when I am bomb boarded with the reminders, no matter how hateful or spiteful I feel like being. Because I know that if I don’t show up I will lose not only a good human from my life but memories that are good, times that are joyful, and clock hours spent of learning and understanding all I have come to know of this other person. What would I do with all that if I chose to simply stay in the hurt and anger and walk away? I choose to learn to forgive. I choose to let my mind be stretch into new areas of discovery and let my heart heal itself. I choose to stand up against the emotions that try to drag me back into fear, anger, bitterness. I choose to live out the rest of my days in joy, hope, security, peace, nobility, and most of all love. No matter what that looks like and the lessons I have to learn along the way. I choose to let love in.
“Your heart will fix itself. It’s your mind you need to worry about. Your mind where you lock the memories, your mind where you have kept the piece of those who have hurt you, that still cut through you like shards of glass.
Your mind will keep you up at night, make you cry, and destroy you over and over again. You need to convince your mind that it has to let go because your heart already knows how to heal.” – Nikita Gill