Sigh of Wonder. June 2018.

“Men go abroad to wonder at the heights of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long course of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars, and they pass by themselves without wondering.” – Saint Augustine

It’s June 11th, some pretty significant days happen in June. A few birthdays of important people happen over the next few days. Birthdays of people that I haven’t seen or heard from in years but yet theses same people are so near and dear to my heart that it throbbingly hurts to speak their names. How I miss them. There’s even a half birthday that happens this month or what I call a St. Day, learned it from a friend who of course learned the term from another friend and frankly it stuck with me. My grandsons St. Day. Hard to believe he is as old as he is and is growing into such an incredibly young adult that looks strikingly goodlooking with a perfect mix of his momma and daddy. Wow, how I miss those two. Well, all three for that matter.

The sun is shining on my face as a I sit around the pond wondering where life would be right now if things didn’t turn out the way they had. If my life choices were different, if lies and decite or fears hadn’t gotten away from me and turned things pear shaped. How could life be different for the three mentioned above? Could they be better or worse? I know I will never understand some of the things we do to ourselves and others, Hell, I will never understand the changes or know what could have been … but the wondering … it’s always there.

Sitting pond side of life truly makes one wait and think. The birds sing, the sun is warm and the summer heat is stirring my skin. Hard to fathom in just a week or so we will be into the summer solstice and the days shortening. I don’t like short days. I don’t like days that the sun rises and shines at 9 and then sets for sleep at 4. Truly, I prefer the days of summer. Long sun rays that beat down on my face, long days to bask in the moments of thinking glory. If there is such a thing. Days where the breathing is easy and the thinking dreamy.

So how does one go about thinking dreamy of people they miss? By looking through old memories locked inside the heart. Looking at recent photographs that show current ages and new typed up letters that bring an ounce of joy with every typed word. So many times I could read such a letter, a tangible piece of someone I don’t know anymore. A tangible piece of someone I can only remember holding in my arms and breathing in his first born smell. A tangible piece of what I know heaven has promised me.

To be filled with such wonder makes me sigh in my soul. I know I won’t go back, I’ve learned and experienced to much. I know those involved have learned things also and that there’s too much hurt to try and repair but the hope of that time together once again keeps me wondering what life could be like. Only if …

Thankfully, life grows and changes us. Thankfully, we mature in ways unimaginable. Thankfully we are not who we once were but a new person full of new experiences, full of new joys, full of worth.

This summer will write another story for itself. Things will happen and moments will be remembered. We can always count on the next summer but we can not always count on the relationship of another. We can always count on absolute love but we cannot count on enough long days to celebrate in. Days will grow short, I will grow older, life for others will move on but right now, right here I get to document my moment of wonder.

One day if you are reading this my hope for you is that you know you where never meant to be hurt. You were never meant to be in the crossfire’s of my mistakes. You were never meant to be lost from me forever and you will never be too far away that a hug won’t ever be welcomed. You are so very loved.

My prayer for this moment is that time can stand still for even a minute so that I do not loose one more minute of you, that life will stop so that I can enjoy one more moment of memories. I pray that one day we will stand in front of each other and not even recognize who we are but have that knowing that we are more than what we see. I pray we look past the past and see each other for who we are and the true people we are meant to be. One day …

I love you lady, with every ounce of my being. With every ounce of absolute love.

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