“It’s not the future you are afraid of, it’s the past repeating itself that haunts you.” – T.W.W.
Another early morning start today. 5:30 comes awfully early when you want to beat the construction guys to the jobsite. Thankfully 7 am rolls around just in the nick of time. Yup, 7 o’clock means the coffee tent is open at the resort and it’s time for tea! I like to get there early for two reasons: 1. To get the baristas in their still perfectly perky moods and 2. There’s no waiting in a long line that one would normally see around 8:30 or 9! So early I go. Really, it’s the perfect time anyways after an early morning get up and go.
The last couple trips to the tea shack has opened my eyes to a whole new light on one of the baristas. She, is also one of mySailors. Home from her second year in college and looking just plain fantastic.
Today’s catch up convo was me asking about her long term boyfriend. ( instantly, by her facial expression, I can see that I just opened my mouth and inserted my foot. Second thought that rolled through my brain was shit! I haven’t been on her Facebook profile in awhile and I probably should have known what was coming next, even though in my heart, I did know) oh, she says you haven’t heard ………
She launches in informing me of the chance meeting she had with him ( stated previous long term boyfriend ) and his secret 5 month girlfriend as they were all getting on the ferry. Small towns can really suck when your not honest. Every one sees everything …. eventually.
“A single lie discovered is enough to create doubt in every truth expressed.”
Everyone has a sport that they like to play or watch. You know what yours is. Go ahead say it out loud. I have two. Not that that makes me more special than you it’s just how life has developed me into who I am today. My first sport started at a very young age of 3. Bowling.
Without the bumpers, I might add.
My average probably was around my age but I learned quickly to move, adjust and take a different approach to the foul line to actually knock some pins down. I can say it didn’t happen at the age of three but it changed as I grew older. Still to this day bowling has been a huge part of my life. There were years that my “equipment ” sat in the attic or locked in a closet but there was always this nagging inside to throw the ball just one more time. After moving to the God forsaken, or so I thought it was forsaken island of San Juan, I knew my bowling days were over. I was completely fine with that.
Bowling always brings out a stopping point in my life for me. One that I just keep putting on the back burner. You know those stopping points, the ones that shows you have a serious problem in your life yet you shrug and sweep it under the carpet because you just ain’t got the heart or the stomach to deal with it, nor do you even know that you need to on some levels.
The invention of urathane bowling balls came out. Ahhhh shit …. SRSLY? Why!?
Enter in the first inclination that I have trust issues. I can remember thinking “you want me to stand where and throw the ball where?” Are you out of your freakin’ mind!?. Let me explain.
These new dangled bowling balls have a curve or a hook to them that seem to my mind … out of control. Literally. I’m a pretty darn straight shooter. So to even comprehend my body moving all the way to the left of the lane and throwing the ball all the way to the right of the lane only to watch it fly back to the left and into the pocket scared and still scares the living daylights out of me. Forget about it.
Watching other people bowl like that is fun but truly not my mug of tea. For real. Biggest fear ever so I thought at the time. Letting myself go enough to trust that the weight block would really kick in and flop the ball back to where it needed to go alluded me. The concept was unthinkable. Still kinda think that but with explanation I get how it works but today you will not see me throwing such a ball and enjoying it. I own one and it’s fittingly named the Beast. ( As I’m finding out it’s a well coveted ball of the 1990’s . Yikes. I’m dating myself. ) In all reality what is the worst that could happen if I threw that kind of ball? I do need to ask myself this type of question because my thinking would take me down rabbit holes that are purely not healthy. The worst thing would be a gutter ball. Honestly. Not death. Not arms falling off just a simple gutter ball. But wow! To jump from rolling the ball straight up the 10 board and knowing exactly what I’m going to end up with to such a drastic change can send me to Pluto with no escape route. No thank you. Lanes dry out just give me a plastic ball that goes straight when I throw it harder! Thank you very much.
“A bird sitting in a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because her trust is not on the branch but on her own wings.”
Enter the second sport. Sailing.
Most of you know that sailboats “lean” when under sail. Right!? This is known as heeling. Good lawrd, the first time I was out in a boat with one of the sailors on the sailing team and he heeled the boat over in some pretty easy winds I thought for sure I was dead. My heart raced, my blood pumped and I broke out in a huge sweat that sent my body to the middle of the boat. Uhhh, no thank you I don’t ever want to feel that again. Get me off this thing.
12 years later as sailing coach I would still hang on for dear life to “Gwen” my life jacket and pray that God would not take me in a sailing accident or have me sucked to the bottom of the sea. There is some crazy shit in the depths of the sea. Not just sharks. Sharks don’t compare to what I know. Another time. Another post in the things you can find in the depths of the oceans. But with practice I learned that it’s ok to lean your body out the boat for balance causing the boat to go much faster and an extreme core workout.
Practice. There’s that word again. Shiiiit. Guess I’m starting to see the pattern in front of me. Practice.
“Sometimes life doesn’t give you what you want, not because you don’t deserve it, but because you deserve so much more.”
You know they say to master anything you have to dedicate something like 10,000 hours to whatever it is you want to master. Clearly, I have not dedicated ever a 100 hours to each sport to even come close to breaking the initial fear. So what have I learned from both experiences? Thanks for asking! I can see that the fear is bigger than my want or need to enjoy fully both sports. My fear is clearly holding me at a stand still. Fear is creating my trust issues.
Hello realization, nice to finally meet you.
” Im learning to trust the journey even when I don’t understand it. ” – Mila Bron
As I sit here underneath one of the largest lion manes Japanese maples I’ve ever seen another realization kicks in. A mosquito is sucking the blood right out of my face. Damn it! Oh man, that mosquito has been there for its fill! I now have a lump an itchy scratchy lump on my left cheek. I was so occupied at writing this post, weeding the zen garden, and listening to a book that I hadn’t even realized the sneak attack on my face. Focus.
Funny how we can get so wrapped up in other things that the sneak attack can come up and bite us when we least expect it. Or we allow ourselves to be focused on other things that we don’t see or have to deal with any fears that will scare us or leave huge itchy, lumps for everyone to see.
Back to the morning tea. This barista told me the story of her newest lesson with such a matter-of-fact attitude that I was stunned. Impressed really that she could communicate with such ease the story of her most recent betrayal. You know, for me it would have been all tears and heart break with a little feel-sorry-for-me shoved in for good measure. Now, clearly, I am starting to see she and I have difference beyond comprehension. We always have. Not surprised, she is a little more even keeled at things then I am. At least I know when she reaches for “Gwen” ( my life jacket ) puts her on and has the hiccups we have a problem. Today, no life jacket and hiccups required. She is showing her brave side.
So what do the two of us now have in common? Trust issues.
Never … ever … in your life do you want the younger generation to feel such pain and experience heart break the way you have but the reality is we are all human and we all suffer from the same attitude as: there is always something better out there if we look hard enough. Were these two youngens mean to be together forever? Maybe, maybe not but I thought they would make beautiful children. Perfectly suited.
So now what. Betrayal has set in. See the two of us have choices to make. We have both said things out of spite, anger, and fear but where do we go with the rest of the life that we built with this person? We could possibly strive to keep the politeness going since we do live on one of the smallest rocks on the planet. We could continue to live like that or with those people in our lives or we could wash our hands and walk away. If we wash our hands and walk away we could build up resentment, bitterness, and animosity that will only open doors in our lives for bigger problems down the road.
As I’m finding out.
So, do I buy that newest urethan ball and practice throwing it right to build up trust or do I stick to the old patterns of straight up 10? Here’s looking at my sailor standing in the midst of her first real tragedy and what do I say? “Strap in, hike hard and point high. Life is about to get rough and the sailing will be fast? Make the most of the ride “!? Or “Leave well enough alone”?
” I know everything happens for a reason, but sometimes I wish I knew what that reason was. “
Typically, I don’t leave things alone. So, here I sit still pondering my own trust issues hoping for a word of greatness or a somewhat decent piece advise to pass on to this little lady. All that comes to my mind is this: fight for what your heart wants.
Can I take my own advice?
If that person is meant to be around in life there is a reason and forgiveness will help soothe the pain of the rejection that was felt. It won’t cure it but it will release the tension and anger from tight shoulders so doors will close and the healing can begin. Forgive him and forgive yourself. There are reasons why the two hooked up in the first place. There are reasons why we never forget our first love, there are reasons why we text them happy birthday every year or send them Happy Father’s Day messages. There’s always a connection that we may not understand. But to be able to move past the hurts and trust again is the only cure to finding a happiness and that sense of being loved and belonging.
We both know our tipping points, we both know when the straps that are feet are tucked into will hold us or not, we know that we can trust our life jackets to keep us a float if the winds pick up to heavy and we didn’t adjust our sails in time. We know instinctually that we are covered. We are protected. We just have to learn to let go. Let go of our own misgivings, our own hurts, our own bitterness, our own control to see that life can really deliver us beautiful things.