“Be confused, it’s where you begin to learn new things. Be broken, it’s where you begin to heal. Be frustrated, it’s where you begin to make more authentic decisions. Be sad, because if we are brave enough we can hear our hearts wisdom through it. Be whatever you are right now. No more hiding. You are worthy, always.” – S.C. Lourie
Sitting at the cafe this morning sipping tea and bullshitting, the topic of conversation came up about eye contact. Little did I know this was about to rage a storm in me that would launch me into a new level of understanding of my inner self … but part of that my friends is for another post. Coming soon. Promise.
Eye contact. It’s interesting how the conversation started out with someone asking me why I couldn’t hold my eye contact with a stranger for very long. The answer flowed out as easy as baking pie. “I’m not comfortable with strangers. I have a reputation to maintain.” With that said the person asking the question sat dumb founded. He could not believe I was so very clear on why. ” Most people don’t have an answer to that question and most don’t even know that they can not maintain the contact.” He Says. Here I am thinking to my self that this man is working on some scientific project on the social interactions of humans and I wasn’t aware even though we talk almost daily. Interested, I leaned into the conversation.
Either way I answered with honesty and he was floored. Well, in walked another older woman a wise sage one might say that kicked off the observations of how society as a whole has no eye contact. Looking deeper she admitted to seeing that not only do humans not have eye contact and the niceties that go along with acknowledging another human but that humans as a whole are very self centered and very self driven. Whoa! What a conversation over tea. At 7 in the morning. Guess this is the power hour today!
Squirrel moment! Read on.
“You will have moments when you feel like a lion, and moments where you feel like a mouse. Just know that no matter how you feel, you still have a heartbeat and a soul worthy of love, so learn to roar when you fear small, because you are more than the feelings you have.” – T.B. LaBerge
Sooooo, now it’s the understanding that if I don’t hold contact or acknowledge people in the aisle at the grocery store that I’m in, does that show selfish tendencies!? A resounding yes pounded through my heart and my ears. Shit! Why? How?
We find ourselves afraid, worried, conflicted between being nice, polite and encouraging with the opposite, afraid of showing who we are. What the!? Sadly, in my own life I can see how this is so very true. For most of my life I didn’t think people could physically see me. It was like I was walking around in public with an invisibility cloak. Unless, I was with people I knew and trusted. They were allowed to see me. I was safe. Hummmm … slide in thought bubble here. ?
A couple days later I had to run a friend to the airport. During the two days that preceded said escape to the airport I begin to struggle with an identity problem. I found myself running smack dab into a shit storm of shame. I couldn’t see it at the time. Hell, I could totally feel the effects but was unsure of the sneaky way the vacuum sucked me in. Tormented. Sick. And losing all sight of reality I went to sleep one night only to wake up to a terrifying dream.
The dream: It’s just before dusk and the air was pretty still, I left through a cabin door to find myself in the back woods of the furthest back woods anyone has even known. Peaceful … so I thought. I headed out to an oxygen tank to get water that sat across from the side door of the cabin so that I could do dishes. ( think this whole tiny living without running water is finally catching up with me ) at the time I thought nothing strange about getting water from an oxygen tank but hey, stranger things have happened in dreams. Just as I finished filling the bucket that was in my hands with water I turned to head into the cabin for the night. Out of the blue, literally, a car pulls up and a dark hooded man emerges from the driver seat. Instantly fear was running through my veins and my nerves. Running inside I tried everything in my power to close and lock every single window and door that I could find. To no avail he entered anyways. The look and his demeanor told me one thing. I was dead. I tried small talk to soothe whatever was wrong but I knew it was no use. He then proceeded to use his powers of force against me in ways that are completely unmentionable.
I started screaming for my life. Screaming save me, save me. As I did the scene went black.
“You are worth finding, worth knowing and worth loving. You and all your million layers. Always hold that close.”
Over the next couple days, still falling deeper and deeper into the swirling shit storm of shame and unworthiness I was to come to an understanding of just what that dream was telling me. Yes, I take stock in what my dreams are saying. Too many times they have lead me into the best life lessons and growth periods I could ever imagine, this new one is and will be a huge one. The quote above this paragraph is an affirmation that gets repeated pretty regularly now.
As it happened to turn out the dream launched my life into a whole new direction. The next Big One! Since I’m freshly fighting a raging battle of learning how to come out of a place of shame and continually telling myself ” I AM BAD ” the lesson is pushing more towards a truth that lines up better with who I am struggling so hard to be. Free.
You see, I’m not a girl that asks the easy questions. I am not a girl that is happy with pond scum conversations. I am the girl that likes a to dive deep into the workings of the human and figure out why we tick or how we tick and the wants and desires of those ticks. Your right, I am not your normal conversationalist.
So what does this have to do with worth you ask? This. I am under the belief at this very moment in time that you or I can not have worth and can not find worth within ourselves or others without the opposite in our lives as a balance … shame. Now, calm down. Yes, shame is one of those scary words that no one wants to talk about or even admit that they struggle with but no one will convince me ( at this point in time ) that they do not have shame.
Shame permeates. Ivy permeates.
Worth also permeates.
“Worthy now. Not if. Not when. We are worthy of love and belonging now. Right this minute. As is.” – Brene Brown
What does that mean? We all have 8 sides, like a stop sign, or so my brain sees it. We all have different rooms in the house we build for ourselves or we all have ways of keeping things tucked nicely into different boxes and filed away in a closet so that they are easy to access when we need such things. Otherwise known as compartmentalizing ourselves. You know, separate the perceived good from the perceived bad. I say perceived because in reality our perceptions are our reality until those get retrained. So insert shame. I am bad. Everything about me relays on those actions of another human being. Remember I’m speaking for myself here.
Dangerous territory as I am finding out.
But greatly needs fixing in the new big life lesson adventure.
For the longest time, the house I built for myself was as small as small could be with just the necessities. Bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, living space and a couple outside doors. Never ever an inside door. I hate doors. Yup, the perfect example of current reality tiny house I’m physically living in. Little did I know I was forming a home designed specifically around the shell I grew up in. Yup, you guessed it. I’m a Cancer through and through and I like my home to be a quiet and safe place. I like my shame tucked away nicely in there too so no one sees it, including me. Because, frankly, as you remember from above … I am bad. So leave me be in the quietness of my small home. Thank you very much. ( insert sarcasm on the last two sentences )
One day this small home idea was shattered to many little pieces. I was running through the google searches … well … long story made short … I was handed a house blueprint of a modern version of an American palace with 6 floors and the amenities for sleeping like 24 people. As I looked through these monstrous plans I realized how awesome it would be to live in a place such as this! Only later to discover my small box house was really not what I was meant to be living in. Over time, and months of careful study and inspiration I could see myself in each room of this palatial mansion.
Ok. Now enter in shame. It permeates. Just like ivy sucks the life out of a cedar tree as it grows up.
Here I was trying to keep shame tucked away in this tiny little house I created not realizing that I was limiting myself on the size of who I was. Shit. All my baggage and boxes have just collided into a monster sized house and now shame is running around crazy filling each space and telling me that I deserve non of it or the furniture that it’s decorated with! ( Hopefully, you read that really fast as you visualize the shame filling each space like the dementors in the Harry Potter movies ).
As ivy creeps it’s roots through the cedars bark and sucks the life and living water right out of the strong cedar so does shame suck the life out of the strongest and weakest of people. Fear is the seed. Insecure actions equals the Fertilizer.
With just as much effort, worth was also spreading but little old me could not see it. Until this very second of typing on my phone screen. Seriously! My worth is not bound to a small one bedroom house it’s so much greater than I could have ever realized!! Wow!! How could so much be really me or mine? How could this new reality be based on the actions of another human being? The answer coming to me is this: it can’t. I accept this answer wholeheartedly. It’s based on something more substantial, it’s based on more than I could think or see, it’s based on the new foundation of balancing in the epic battle of shame and worthiness. It’s based on the new formed thinking that this new palatial mansion cannot be strong until it sits on foundations that are as strong as sapphires.
Holy crap! Literally! This is the biggest greatest blip my little old human mind can experience, can comprehend, and will happily grow into. This new home I accept. This new mansion is my gift which I finally can I accept.
“I forgive myself for having believed for so long that I was never good enough to have, get, and be who I wanted.” – Ceanne Derohan
So let’s bounce back to the dream for a bit. That scary dream of the evil hooded man. I can officially catorgize him as evil since it was explained to me as … he was pure evil. There were also other parts in the dream that were explained to me.
The deep back, backwoods of the backest of woods = isolation.
Oxygen tank filled with water = my need for a fresh breath of clean air and the pure, clean, living, water.
The act of doing dishes = I was/am needing a cleansing.
Along with the explanation came words of instruction. See, this is why I take stock in my dreams. When there is instructions and defining moments such as these, I pay attention.
So now what … these next few words echo in my ears still today:
” Either you can let this destroy you or you can stand up in your worth. How are you going to move forward “?
Such things to ponder:
Worth is not found in the actions of another human, if they do the actions they do, it does not reflect on you.
I am worth the wait.
I am worth my weight in gold.
I am worthy of joy.
I am worthy of love.
I am worthy of peace.
I am worthy of absolute love.
I am worthy of a true identity of my own.
I am worthy of my own forgiveness.
I am worthy of a shame free life and I will have it.
“The best gift you are going to give some one – the permission to feel safe in their own skin. To feel worthy. To feel like they are enough.”
If we as humans are ” entitled ” to a life of peace abundant, joys unexplainable, and love absolute then we cannot give up on the search. We cannot throw in the towel and get jaded. We must move past those shameful moments that repeat and apologetically forgive ourselves for believing the bullishness, right!?
When we are able to do the clearing of shame, learn the lessons we need to be free, and we know we are lovable, which in turn, allows us to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we will love again, that’s when we find our freedom.
I choose to not be jaded, I’m choosing to not waddle through life trapped in this fear, entangled in the roots of the invasive life sucking ivy. I choose to release the fears and live in my worth … fully.
My hope for everyone: live through your fears and understand what created them. Learn to move past each and every moment that brings sadness, uneasiness and especially shame so that we can all be free from the trash that isn’t ours to hang on to.
My prayer for everyone: that our lives become full! Full of quiet peaceful moments that bring joy and a secure love that casts out doubts, that permeates in healthy growing ways and that spreads to others who need help. Helping each other see our fears and be kind and gentle enough to build up those who need a loving hand.